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Cabinet Secretaries Now Cabinet Office Assistants

Assessment Model Print

Good Satirical News Story

In this good satirical essay, a student makes fun of political correctness in politics.

Title: Cabinet Secretaries Now Cabinet Office Assistants

Level: Grade 11, Grade 12

Mode: Narrative Writing, Creative Writing

Form: Satirical News Story

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Cabinet Secretaries Now Cabinet Office Assistants

Student Model

Cabinet Secretaries Now Cabinet Office Assistants

In a move that shocked the Washington establishment, the president announced at the Thursday cabinet meeting that the "Secretary of Defense" would now be called the "Office Assistant of Defense." The move roiled Office Assistant of Defense Williamson, who called it, "Outrageous," and asked the reason for the change. The president gave a two-word reply: "political correctness."

This is the latest in a series of controversial moves that the president has made to "sanitize" the language of Washington. Last week, he signed an executive order designating that Congress cease using the terms "majority" and "minority" to refer to the different parties, but instead refer to all members of Congress as "American." In addition, the "minority whip" and "majority whip" must now be called the "American taser."

When Office Assistant of Defense Williamson objected to the change of his title, the president replied, "All of you are now office assistants. It's a 21st century title for a 21st century job."

Williamson said he would not accept the title of office assistant. "I am a four-star general!"

The president wagged his finger. "You mean you are a four-star non-specific."

During his first year in office, the president has often promoted political correctness from his bully pulpit, which he prefers to call an "undo-influence platform." In March, he changed the "Electoral College" to the "Electoral Collage," since it "draws from many places" and "doesn't actually offer degrees." Previously, he decided that the "intelligence community" should now be called the "hard-working community." And everyone remembers his failed attempt to change the "Supreme Court" to the "First Court Among Many Excellent Courts." And his decision to hand a participation trophy to his opponent during the inauguration has drawn sharp criticism.

But no amount of criticism seems to dampen the president's politically correct fervor. He continues his campaign to change the name of the baseball team the "Washington Senators" to the "Washington Elected Officials." He pointed out that the team logo once showed a senator as an elderly white male wearing a tricorn hat and a long black tail coat—an outdated stereotype. Also, he made clear that nobody particularly likes senators, so the name is inherently discriminatory.

However, when asked about the name of the Washington Redskins, the president, a longtime fan of the football team, simply shrugged and said, "Well, that's just tradition."


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